I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
