My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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