So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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