Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning