OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
