So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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