my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
