i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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