my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
so much tequila, so little girl.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize