I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
