Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
