ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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