just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
