like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How external is "for external use only"?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
