I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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