tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
