yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
