I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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