im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
