DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
