He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
