what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
