Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
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I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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