My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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