and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
