The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
