i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
