pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
