suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
