It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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