sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
