White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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