Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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