I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
