I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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