my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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