Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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