oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
