What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
