I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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