I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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