ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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