my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
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First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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