Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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