My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
