Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
