My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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