There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
