I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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