So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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