the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
