He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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