he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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