My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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