wat bout pragnant strippers??
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
